You've been warned.

ME: (adjusting the Ouija board planchette) T... O... N... ooh. Are you there, Mr. President?

George Washington: I have arrived. Who has summoned me?

ME: Oh, hi! It's me, just a lowly citizen of the country you founded.

GW: Ah! How is the republic, my lad?

ME: Doing great, Mr. President. Up to 50 states now.

GW: Excellent news.

ME: Well, truth be told, we're dealing with a really bad pandemic at the moment.

GW: Eek. Is it... is it smallpox?

ME: Oh, no. No, we actually beat back smallpox many years ago. Practically wiped it from the planet. No, this is something brand new. Very scary.

GW: Scarier than smallpox? Good Lord, what does it do? Vomiting blood? Horrible boils? Umm (trying to think of something horrible) Allergies to alcohol?

ME: No, it's... it's just a really bad fever and pneumonia. I think. That's what I've heard.

GW: Oh.

ME: And, I guess... I guess some people have it and it's sort of the flu. And some people don't have any symptoms at all. They just get the disease and they don't even know it.

GW: Well, that doesn't sound... Wait, if they don't show any symptoms, how do you know they had the disease?

ME: Oh, you get a test from the doctor, and they tell you.

GW: How does the doctor know?

ME: Um... well, he takes a sample of your saliva or mucous or something, then he sends it to a lab, and they... I don't know how they know, they just analyze it with a computer or something and they know if you have it.

GW: Sounds like bullshit to me.

ME: (shrugs) It's pretty serious, though. Lots of people are dying.

GW: How many? I mean, how many people who have the disease will die from it?

ME: Oh, nobody knows. Nobody even knows how many people actually have it because-

GW: Because you might not suffer at all from it. Right. And this is causing problems for my nation?

ME: Big problems, Mr. Washington. Big problems. Nobody can go out and most of the businesses are shut down and everybody's unemployed-

GW: But I thought you said-

ME: Yeah, let me explain. Nobody has the disease, but we can't go out because we might get the disease.

GW: The generally harmless disease?

ME: Yes. And, it's more like nobody can go out because they might spread it unknowingly. Like, when I'm out and about I have to wear a mask so I don't contaminate anyone.

GW: Contaminate them with a disease you don't even know if you have, because you don't have any symptoms?

ME: Yes.

GW: Well, I hope you're not foolish enough to do that. That sounds ridiculous.

ME: Well, I kind of have to.

GW: Say what, now?

ME: It's a long story, and I don't think you'll like it.

GW: Okay, so when will they have a cure? I'm assuming if you've beaten smallpox there's a good plan in order, yes?

ME: Yeah, that's kind of strange, too. At first we thought there was some medication that looked promising, but then everyone said it was too dangerous, because the President recommended it.

GW: ...

ME: Oh, um. Yeah, you don't want to know half of that story, sir, I promise you. Anyways, they've got some other possible treatments, and some people now are saying Vitamin D might help-

GW: I have trouble following. If this disease is so terrifying, wouldn't you know right away whether it works or not? I mean, if it works, it works. Right?

ME: Well, most people get over the symptoms without any help.

GW: I thought you said most people didn't even have symptoms?

ME: Yes, that's true. But of the ones with symptoms, most of them are mild.

GW: So give me a number here. What percentage of the nation has fallen to this mystery disease?

ME: ...

GW: And don't you dare say "No one knows." Give me your best guess.

ME: Okay... I'd have to say... (calculating) around .03% of the population.

GW: Oh, you've GOT to be kidding me. How many children?

ME: What?

GW: You heard me? How many of this minuscule percentage were babies? Look, I'm going to be honest with you. I might- might be willing to accept the sacrifice some of these essential liberties that I and my brothers secured for this nation from God Almighty if, and only if, it meant saving the lives of those most innocent children, because nothing is worse than watching infants suffer needlessly. Any parent will tell you the same. So, how many?

ME: None. Really, none, Mr. President. This disease almost exclusively affects the elderly. And the very sick. People with serious complications.

GW: Elderly? Like, 30?

ME: (voice cracking) Average age is around 80, I think.

GW: (pause) I'm coming back down. And I'm bringing Ben and Tom with me, and we are going to beat the hell out of you.